sheWRITES: “You have a gift; you should use it!”

  
But I don’t know how. 

I want to write. But I don’t know what to write about. 

I want to write. But I’m afraid of people reading it. 

I’m not ready to be vulnerable. But I’ll probably never be ready to be vulnerable. Isn’t that what vulnerable is? Not-readiness?

These are all my excuses for not writing. And there’s more. 

It’s too hard. I don’t want to use my brain. I don’t want to work at it. I want it to be fun and enjoyable. 

And I don’t know what to write about. 

*sigh* They’re all silly reasons for not writing. I’ve been alive for 34 years, so I surely have something to write about!! And what’s the point of writing if no one is going to read it?? As for being vulnerable…we covered that one. 

Really, I’m just ridiculous. So we’ll start with that. I’ll do the writing and you do the reading. 

Why I Am Ridiculous

  • A wasp looked directly at me once and now I’m terrified of them. They are evil and all of them are out to get me. >_> I sound as bad as my best friend and my boyfriend, who both insist that spiders jump on your face! (They really don’t. And also, all the wasps are out to get me.)
  • God has been so good and faithful to me these last three years (longer, actually, but I have been profoundly more aware of it these last three years) and I’m still a little scaredy-cat. Like He isn’t going to provide. Or protect. Then again…what if He doesn’t? (See?!? There I go!!)
  • My best friend yells at me all the time because I’m constantly saying things like, “I will never have short hair again!! Well, I suppose I could get cancer or something…” And I go on about why that would once again relegate me to short hair so she slaps me and says, “Don’t be ridiculous!!!” (See? Toldja I’m ridiculous. And you didn’t buh-lee-me.) I’m always going down the ridiculous negative paths. It’s like I’m constantly in prepare-for-the-worst mode. Hm. I suppose that’s just a really nice way of saying I’m anxious.
  • I almost never think of the world in terms of people loving me. Like…people loving me isn’t a real thing. *I* love people. But it doesn’t often occur to me that they love me too. It’s weird. And also ridiculous. When I stop and think, “Wait a minute. They LIKE me. They WANT to be around me!” I get all wowed out like I just discovered I could fly. It’s literally ridiculous.
  • Sometimes I spend way too much time on my hair. When it’s curly. Which is why I like it straight so much cos I can just get up and go. Straight hair doesn’t do anything. I love it! Curly hair is all, “Your mom!” And, “SIJ!” And, “Wanna look nice today or draw attention to your head? The former? Wait, I forget – which is former and which is latter? Oh I can’t hear you over the sound of my awesome curliness. We’ll go with drawing attention to your head.” And then I cry. Ha ha! Not really. But I DO finally realize that people are NOT going to be looking at my hair as hard as I’m looking at it in the mirror so I need to chill out and STOP BEING RIDICULOUS.

 
So there. That’s not all of my ridiculousness. I just needed something to write about and that was a start. Whew. 

sheWRITES is going to be a thing around here. Unpolished, unplanned, un……..I can’t think of a third one. *shrug* Anyway, complete with emotes, I’ll just sit down and write from the hip. The wrist? Whatever. It’s about time, I suppose, that I start moving in a more deliberate direction with putting words together. I’ll do the more polished stuff too. Cos you know. Everyone likes to look nice every once in a while, right? 

Right. Angsty curls be derned. ;)

Reflections: 52 Weeks Ago

Hope

Trickling

Down the drain of discouragement

The bane of encouragement

is Time

Passing

Leaving me behind

Bereaving me of my

Hope.
 

Death

Stalking

The desolate hallways of my heart

I wrestle it hard and fall apart

On rocks

Of Never

Cracked and broken, shattered

Everything that mattered

Gone.

 
Heart

Splitting

Under pressure of faith and doubt

I can’t do this without

The ones

Who stand

Like giant swaying evergreens

Blowing in the Perseverance breeze

For me.
 

God

Working

In the alleyways of pain & wounds

The valley place of shame will soon

be Doors

Opening

Into a garden blooming hope

And everyone will finally know

He is God. ♡

___
August 18, 2014

  

Reflections: crickets and messages from God

Prologue: I wrote this May 15, 2013, five days before my husband announced he was leaving. ❣

___

i found a cricket in the kids room. second cricket indoors this week. i love crickets. i interpret these ones in my house lately as God being gentle with me. if you know any of what’s happening in my life right now, then you know what i mean.

today, as i disengaged the numerous locks on the sliding door (bubby deflectors) to let the cricket out, i heard God in my spirit, “I want to show you something.”

but i wrote it off — i’m a romantic so it’s very easy for me to make those kind of things up and i don’t like the disappointment of finding out they aren’t true.

so i tossed the cricket outside. i heard his little head bonk and i desperately hoped he wasn’t hurt. silly, i know.

then i stepped outside. i couldn’t resist. it smelled like winter and i LOVE the smell of winter. i think that’s what i love so much about fall: the smell of winter in it. the woodsmoke, the crisp air, the stillness at night…i love winter. i love fall too, but only because it heralds winter.

however, i digress.

i peered at the sky (i wasn’t wearing my glasses); i think it’s neat that stars are the one thing you can look at without glasses and see them just about as clearly as you would with glasses on.

i noticed how quiet and still it was.
i saw a spider’s web up on one of the birdfeeders. ‘hm,’ i thought. ‘maybe that’s what God wanted me to see.’ i stepped closer…but there was nothing spectacular about it. just a web…with a spider in it. and who really wants to get closer to a spider?

so i looked around one last time, the bitterness rising. ‘i always think God wants to talk to me, so i wait and wait but nothing ever happens! and then i get mad because nothing happens! and all i want is for God to talk to me…’

i looked over at my bug parked in the lot. it’s license plate says “CR1CKET”. it wasn’t parked next to bear’s car like it usually is; someone else was parked there, instead. and it made me so sad. or no—rather, it made me remember that i *am* so sad, right now.

it looked so lonely, all black and bubbly-round, sitting there in the dark…by itself. and my melodramatic self said, ‘that’s me. all alone.’
but despite the melodrama, it was true.

i turned to look at the bush in front of me. it had lots of little green leaflets all over the place. (i don’t think leaflets was a word until just now. maybe?) all those leaflets just sitting there, not moving a bit. nothing was moving. it was so quiet, cold, and still.

and suddenly, a bird chirped. the sound of spring.

at that moment, i was jolted into realizing: it felt like winter, cold and still and quiet. but it wasn’t really winter. it was spring! new life! new leaflets! re-birth and birds! and i thought about how i almost forgot that it was spring, because winter felt so real…

then these words popped into my head: “behold, I am doing a new thing…”
and i thought, ‘hm. God had something to show me after all.’ and my heart beamed.
sometimes, i’m not making things up after all. those are my favorite times.

+++

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19 (ESV)