From Her Journal

Abba. how long.
it’s not even a question anymore.
it’s breathing.
it’s heartbeat.
daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.
how long.
how long.
how long.

hosanna.
please come save us. ♥️
in the blink of an eye.

how long… 

9/27/2015 11:28pm sunday

[inspired by all the trials and heartache of the last few years and especially the last several weeks.] 

Reflections: crickets and messages from God

Prologue: I wrote this May 15, 2013, five days before my husband announced he was leaving. ❣

___

i found a cricket in the kids room. second cricket indoors this week. i love crickets. i interpret these ones in my house lately as God being gentle with me. if you know any of what’s happening in my life right now, then you know what i mean.

today, as i disengaged the numerous locks on the sliding door (bubby deflectors) to let the cricket out, i heard God in my spirit, “I want to show you something.”

but i wrote it off — i’m a romantic so it’s very easy for me to make those kind of things up and i don’t like the disappointment of finding out they aren’t true.

so i tossed the cricket outside. i heard his little head bonk and i desperately hoped he wasn’t hurt. silly, i know.

then i stepped outside. i couldn’t resist. it smelled like winter and i LOVE the smell of winter. i think that’s what i love so much about fall: the smell of winter in it. the woodsmoke, the crisp air, the stillness at night…i love winter. i love fall too, but only because it heralds winter.

however, i digress.

i peered at the sky (i wasn’t wearing my glasses); i think it’s neat that stars are the one thing you can look at without glasses and see them just about as clearly as you would with glasses on.

i noticed how quiet and still it was.
i saw a spider’s web up on one of the birdfeeders. ‘hm,’ i thought. ‘maybe that’s what God wanted me to see.’ i stepped closer…but there was nothing spectacular about it. just a web…with a spider in it. and who really wants to get closer to a spider?

so i looked around one last time, the bitterness rising. ‘i always think God wants to talk to me, so i wait and wait but nothing ever happens! and then i get mad because nothing happens! and all i want is for God to talk to me…’

i looked over at my bug parked in the lot. it’s license plate says “CR1CKET”. it wasn’t parked next to bear’s car like it usually is; someone else was parked there, instead. and it made me so sad. or no—rather, it made me remember that i *am* so sad, right now.

it looked so lonely, all black and bubbly-round, sitting there in the dark…by itself. and my melodramatic self said, ‘that’s me. all alone.’
but despite the melodrama, it was true.

i turned to look at the bush in front of me. it had lots of little green leaflets all over the place. (i don’t think leaflets was a word until just now. maybe?) all those leaflets just sitting there, not moving a bit. nothing was moving. it was so quiet, cold, and still.

and suddenly, a bird chirped. the sound of spring.

at that moment, i was jolted into realizing: it felt like winter, cold and still and quiet. but it wasn’t really winter. it was spring! new life! new leaflets! re-birth and birds! and i thought about how i almost forgot that it was spring, because winter felt so real…

then these words popped into my head: “behold, I am doing a new thing…”
and i thought, ‘hm. God had something to show me after all.’ and my heart beamed.
sometimes, i’m not making things up after all. those are my favorite times.

+++

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19 (ESV)

  

“Fear not…”

How come, when I hear the words, “Fear not!”, I immediately become afraid? Well of course it’s because there must be something to be afraid of! Why else would He say “Fear not”?? 

Except, today I broke the cycle. It finally hit me why He REALLY says fear not: it’s not because there’s something to be afraid of, it’s because He knows this thing will frighten me and there’s no need to be frightened…

“Fear not” means He knows me well. 

“Fear not” means His heart is tender toward me. 

“Fear not” means He’s got it completely under control. 

“Fear not” really means “silly Fæ, don’t be afraid!” 

And it’s about time I started listening. *^_^*