sheWRITES: On being depressed

When you’re aware of how good and kind God has been to you…

When you’ve recalled some of the amazing and kind things He’s done over the years…

When you’ve meditated on all the truths about Him and where you’re headed (Heaven)…

And you feel only the slightest twinges of joy and hope?

You’re depressed.

Being depressed sucks. Being depressed on meds sucks even more. Because hello? Meds? I’m putting crappy chemicals in my body and I’m still depressed?? Can we take the chemical crap out of the equation at least…?

I’ve always been fearful of “wrongness” with my body. Which, interestingly enough, is what perpetuates my willing (and therefore, stupid) ignorance of what’s in some of the food I eat. If I don’t know, I’m not as fearful. But if I KNOW…….anyway. 

The only time not knowing is fear-causing is when there’s unexplained pain.

Hey, guess what! When you’re putting crappy chemical things in your body, sometimes the awesome side effects include physical pain! It’s not actually awesome. I know sarcasm doesn’t translate well over text. You know, they made an exclamation point for excitement and enthusiasm — why isn’t there punctuation for sarcasm?

*sigh*

So today is a bad day. And for the sake of moderate authenticity, (moderate, because I’m only writing about this moderately…), here’s this post.

But I don’t want it to leave a bad taste in your mouth. See, cos posts sit frozen in time. But my body and my brain — even the crappy chemicals — do not. They move along, changing and flowing, being affected by the current of life and bodily function and doctor’s orders. You might be reading this a week from now and it will no longer be my present truth. Or heck, by the time this hits email inboxes, it may no longer be my present truth.

And THAT is my lifeline. “This too shall pass.” My mom used to say that to me ALL. THE. TIME. as a teenager and young adult. I didn’t know what it meant. Honest. I was so incredibly caught up in THIS MOMENT, it took me until I was 32 before I FINALLY observed for myself that

“This doesn’t stay.
a new This will come to play
to make you cry
or want to fly
but This One will be on its way.”

There are different flavors of depression. And there are flavors of happy in between. And God is always being good and kind. And I will see it. And joy will bubble and hope will flow.

Just not as much today.

And I will be okay. ❣