From Her Journal

Abba. how long.
it’s not even a question anymore.
it’s breathing.
it’s heartbeat.
daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.
how long.
how long.
how long.

hosanna.
please come save us. ♥️
in the blink of an eye.

how long… 

9/27/2015 11:28pm sunday

[inspired by all the trials and heartache of the last few years and especially the last several weeks.] 

Praying Out Loud

Show me the lights
You made for my dark
Show me the lives
You set apart
To keep me holding on…

The ones who will stay
The ones who embrace
All of the darkness of me.

Show me the lies
I have welcomed as friends
Show me the ties
I let bind me again
That keep me from holding on. 

Take them away
Bring on the day
And shatter this darkness in me. 

The Lord is a lamp
That lights up my darkness;
To Him, the night is as day.
And when I’m surrounded
By blackened seas,
I know that HE knows my way. ❣

___

Inspired by someone I spoke to today, whose pain is not unfamiliar to me, albeit unique in its own ways to its bearer.

Final verse is a rhyming compilation of Micah 7:8, Psalm 139:12, and Psalm 142:3. These are my favorite verses to hold onto on the darker days. ❣

  

sheWRITES: On being depressed

When you’re aware of how good and kind God has been to you…

When you’ve recalled some of the amazing and kind things He’s done over the years…

When you’ve meditated on all the truths about Him and where you’re headed (Heaven)…

And you feel only the slightest twinges of joy and hope?

You’re depressed.

Being depressed sucks. Being depressed on meds sucks even more. Because hello? Meds? I’m putting crappy chemicals in my body and I’m still depressed?? Can we take the chemical crap out of the equation at least…?

I’ve always been fearful of “wrongness” with my body. Which, interestingly enough, is what perpetuates my willing (and therefore, stupid) ignorance of what’s in some of the food I eat. If I don’t know, I’m not as fearful. But if I KNOW…….anyway. 

The only time not knowing is fear-causing is when there’s unexplained pain.

Hey, guess what! When you’re putting crappy chemical things in your body, sometimes the awesome side effects include physical pain! It’s not actually awesome. I know sarcasm doesn’t translate well over text. You know, they made an exclamation point for excitement and enthusiasm — why isn’t there punctuation for sarcasm?

*sigh*

So today is a bad day. And for the sake of moderate authenticity, (moderate, because I’m only writing about this moderately…), here’s this post.

But I don’t want it to leave a bad taste in your mouth. See, cos posts sit frozen in time. But my body and my brain — even the crappy chemicals — do not. They move along, changing and flowing, being affected by the current of life and bodily function and doctor’s orders. You might be reading this a week from now and it will no longer be my present truth. Or heck, by the time this hits email inboxes, it may no longer be my present truth.

And THAT is my lifeline. “This too shall pass.” My mom used to say that to me ALL. THE. TIME. as a teenager and young adult. I didn’t know what it meant. Honest. I was so incredibly caught up in THIS MOMENT, it took me until I was 32 before I FINALLY observed for myself that

“This doesn’t stay.
a new This will come to play
to make you cry
or want to fly
but This One will be on its way.”

There are different flavors of depression. And there are flavors of happy in between. And God is always being good and kind. And I will see it. And joy will bubble and hope will flow.

Just not as much today.

And I will be okay. ❣

  

Reflections: crickets and messages from God

Prologue: I wrote this May 15, 2013, five days before my husband announced he was leaving. ❣

___

i found a cricket in the kids room. second cricket indoors this week. i love crickets. i interpret these ones in my house lately as God being gentle with me. if you know any of what’s happening in my life right now, then you know what i mean.

today, as i disengaged the numerous locks on the sliding door (bubby deflectors) to let the cricket out, i heard God in my spirit, “I want to show you something.”

but i wrote it off — i’m a romantic so it’s very easy for me to make those kind of things up and i don’t like the disappointment of finding out they aren’t true.

so i tossed the cricket outside. i heard his little head bonk and i desperately hoped he wasn’t hurt. silly, i know.

then i stepped outside. i couldn’t resist. it smelled like winter and i LOVE the smell of winter. i think that’s what i love so much about fall: the smell of winter in it. the woodsmoke, the crisp air, the stillness at night…i love winter. i love fall too, but only because it heralds winter.

however, i digress.

i peered at the sky (i wasn’t wearing my glasses); i think it’s neat that stars are the one thing you can look at without glasses and see them just about as clearly as you would with glasses on.

i noticed how quiet and still it was.
i saw a spider’s web up on one of the birdfeeders. ‘hm,’ i thought. ‘maybe that’s what God wanted me to see.’ i stepped closer…but there was nothing spectacular about it. just a web…with a spider in it. and who really wants to get closer to a spider?

so i looked around one last time, the bitterness rising. ‘i always think God wants to talk to me, so i wait and wait but nothing ever happens! and then i get mad because nothing happens! and all i want is for God to talk to me…’

i looked over at my bug parked in the lot. it’s license plate says “CR1CKET”. it wasn’t parked next to bear’s car like it usually is; someone else was parked there, instead. and it made me so sad. or no—rather, it made me remember that i *am* so sad, right now.

it looked so lonely, all black and bubbly-round, sitting there in the dark…by itself. and my melodramatic self said, ‘that’s me. all alone.’
but despite the melodrama, it was true.

i turned to look at the bush in front of me. it had lots of little green leaflets all over the place. (i don’t think leaflets was a word until just now. maybe?) all those leaflets just sitting there, not moving a bit. nothing was moving. it was so quiet, cold, and still.

and suddenly, a bird chirped. the sound of spring.

at that moment, i was jolted into realizing: it felt like winter, cold and still and quiet. but it wasn’t really winter. it was spring! new life! new leaflets! re-birth and birds! and i thought about how i almost forgot that it was spring, because winter felt so real…

then these words popped into my head: “behold, I am doing a new thing…”
and i thought, ‘hm. God had something to show me after all.’ and my heart beamed.
sometimes, i’m not making things up after all. those are my favorite times.

+++

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19 (ESV)

  

Lazy Plants

I was sitting on my patio enjoying the thunder and rain and I looked over at my plant. It was kind of droopy. It looked really good last week but now half the leaves were hanging down and the other half were healthy-looking. 
As I stared at my plant, I realized something. It doesn’t look like it’s doing anything. It’s just sitting there. In dirt. Doing nothing. 
And then I thought, how funny that it looks like it’s doing nothing. It ALWAYS looks like it’s doing nothing and yet there are changes in it — more leaves, new sprouts, existing leaves tilting just a little more to the sun. It LOOKS like it’s doing nothing but it’s actually doing a lot. On the inside of that plant, at a microscopic level, it’s turning sunlight into food and carting it all over. It’s dragging water up into itself, against the laws of gravity. It’s pushing out new shoots. And it’s also trying to heal itself of the damage caused by various bugs and creatures.
It is one busy little plant for looking like it’s doing nothing. 
What a perfect metaphor for my life! Every Sunday, the church leadership encourages people to serve and every Sunday I check in with the Holy Spirit and hear, “It’s not time” and every Sunday I sit there wondering what my leadership thinks of me sitting in church, not even attending regularly, and not serving. I look like a lazy plant. 
And now I wonder — how many other plants around me are struggling with new growth and damage done by surrounding elements? How many plants have I criticized because they’re too this or too that or simply not enough?
The fact is, I’m not the Gardener. And it’s not my job to ascertain what one plant or another should be doing or even what it should look like! I’m a plant!!! Plants just grow; they don’t garden. :)
Likewise, I don’t need to be overly concerned with what someone else is thinking about me. My source of life is the Son and as long as I’m looking to Him, I will grow. He will tend and prune and tend some more and over time, even the folks who think I’m doing nothing will see the changes He is working in my life. And eventually…it will be my turn to display beautiful, lovely blooms. 
I can hardly wait. In the meantime, I have a plant of my own that could use some tending… 

 

Ponderings: Love & Trust

If someone tells me they love me and I don’t believe them, I will be skeptical when they show their love to me. I will think I’m making things up or reading into things or “stretching things”, etc. 

If I believe they love me but I feel like I need to earn their love or repay them for it, then when they show their love, I’ll be reluctant to receive it or I’ll reject it, unless it just happens to be a day that I feel worthy of it. 

If I believe they love me freely, no matter what I do, I will be able to receive their love and relax in it all the time. It will feel like safety. It will cause me to feel joy and relief. 

How do you receive love from God? From family? Close friends? Your significant other?

“Fear not…”

How come, when I hear the words, “Fear not!”, I immediately become afraid? Well of course it’s because there must be something to be afraid of! Why else would He say “Fear not”?? 

Except, today I broke the cycle. It finally hit me why He REALLY says fear not: it’s not because there’s something to be afraid of, it’s because He knows this thing will frighten me and there’s no need to be frightened…

“Fear not” means He knows me well. 

“Fear not” means His heart is tender toward me. 

“Fear not” means He’s got it completely under control. 

“Fear not” really means “silly Fæ, don’t be afraid!” 

And it’s about time I started listening. *^_^*