I’m really not sure what this blog is for. I don’t know why I made it, I don’t know why I’ve kept it, and I don’t know what to do with it now.
I could use it as a repository for my brain. That idea is actually very appealing right now, because my brain is particular noisy today. So the idea of having a place to just dump it all out there…well, it would make the blog useful.
I have sat on this blog for a good, long while. At times, I’ve been tempted to delete it and something has always stopped me. Like there’s this knowing deep down that someday, I will write again. Well, I don’t think that day is today, despite the fact that I’m writing in it right now. This isn’t real writing; it’s just thinking through my fingertips. The space was here, I’m tired of it sitting here doing nothing, so I’ve decided to do something with it even if that something adds up to nothing.
That barely makes any sense at all.
I DO want to do something with this blog, but I think I’ve turned a corner in my life where I’m tired of theming things. “Mommy Blogger”, “Inspirational Blogger”, “Foodie Blogger”, etc.
I am not a theme. I am a mess of a person who likes to play with words.
So, no theme. I want to do something with this blog but we are not going to theme it. (Why do I refer to myself as ‘we’? What does that mean? I know I’m not the only person who does it and I bet there’s a psychological explanation for WHY it gets done by some people — including me…)
I could just use it as a repository for a while, I suppose. I have a hunch it would find itself. The blog. The blog would find itself? No, THAT doesn’t make sense, not even barely…I have a hunch I would find my blogging self. That’s more like what I’m thinking…I think.
Sometimes, you just have to jump in, make a mess, and then polish as you go.
I tend to treat blogging like it’s something that MUST be approached with a purpose. “I am going to write about XYZ and only XYZ and I’m going to write about it thrice a week etc etc etc.” And when I don’t feel like investing in XYZ anymore, the blog just falls to the wayside.
So how about this, dear brain-who-insists-on-putting-parameters-and-labels-and-definitions-on-everything: This blog is for words. Whenever you want to do something with words, even if it’s nothing like the LAST thing you did with words, this is where it will go. And over time, you will have a collection of words. And maybe they will even matter. But if they don’t, it’s okay, because you like to play with words and now you have somewhere to do it.
I think that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Somewhere to put words. And, in keeping with how I’ve lived the majority of my life, I end up getting swayed by OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS. Instead of just playing with words, I start to feel like it has to be INTERESTING. Or HELPFUL. Or at least, composed of some kind of substance that is of value to someone else…
Well, it doesn’t actually have to be. In fact, this entire post is probably only 30% substance. Substance that can be summarized in one sentence: This is my blog and I want to use it again; I will use it for words.